“I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour. But heaven knows I’m miserable now. I was looking for a job, and then I found a job. And heaven knows I’m miserable now” – The Smiths
And those lyrics were the opening chimes from my ringtone for many a year. So, welcome to the view from my chair. Welcome to a slight change in the ramblings that I occasionally put out in the guise of a blog.
I love those films which start at the end. Do you know what mean? A shot of the main character, smiling and walking into the sunset, hand in hand with the love of their life. Or, as was the case of my favourite musical, Blood Brothers, a quite different start show the end.
But, I guess, this is almost what I seem to try and live to – kind of. If I was to shoot a film – or get the book done – the start would be the end. It would be ‘hello’, welcome to today. Now, let me show you what things have taken place to help me arrive at this great day’.
Live and celebrate the day, but never forget how you got here.
I know I’ve rambled on about a book for too long but I have had to wait until I could ensure the content would be in the right context. Clearly, my circumstances following events nearly 3 years ago left me angry, bitter, confused and negative.
I’ve mapped out in the blogs the massive life rebuild that has been enabled by Aud, Ben, Liv, and then Gaby, when she came on board to add to the fun. I’ve talked countless times of my gratitude to family and friends who provided love, light and support during those challenging times.
I do, sometime, want to write a fictional book. Somewhere between J K Rowling’s stunning Harry Potter works and the excellent Wilt books by the late, great Tom Sharpe. The title? ‘And so the door closed’. Let’s see.
But, until then, my plan is to use the blogs of the last 15 months as a structure for something. Probably, something that will be put out online as a self published ebook.
What gives me the write (do you like the play on words?) to put out a book? I have no right. I have the desire to write it. Why? Because, like so many, I have something to share. Yes, so many have something to share but they don’t get, or seize, the chance.
Share you say? Yes, I’d like to think I have something to share.
Oh no, not self righteous nonsense you cry? I’d like to believe the opposite but that’s down to opinion.
But, you’ve talked about being angry, bitter, confused and negative you question? Any book, kind reader, will be based on the good stuff not the bad things. That’s in the past and my learning has in part enabled me to appreciate even more how good life is now.
What I want to share are the situations, circumstances if you like, which helped me to realise just how great things are. Situations that help to focus on the present.
Every sunny day is preceded somewhere along the line by a storm and it is only experiencing that storm that you can really appreciate that sunshine. The warmth; the vibrant colours; the smell; the beauty.
But, hey, everyday can’t be sunny – I wish! Isn’t that most people’s happy place, a sunny day? Either climate wise or spiritually, it’s a joy to feel bloody good!
Now, people may look at me and think I’ve got a face like a slapped backside. Some may take it further and say that I have a face that just needs to be slapped. Harsh I feel but then I’m the master of my own slapped face or slapped backside. With regards to the latter, I’ll leave it just hanging there – just like my enormous backside.
But, as is established above, I tend to ramble and through those ramblings I sort of wind back to the theme of the blog.
As I said at the start I kind of want to take a slightly diverted direction with the blogs. I expect I’ll know what that is as they develop but let’s start with the take that, yes, I’m a recovering misery.
I enjoy playing the straight faced, some may think unsmiling, role. Yes, to you I may look thoroughly miserable but I’m creased up laughing my absolute socks off inside. If you cut me in two the loudest laugh would escape from my severed body. Well, to be fair, if you cut me in two I’d scream and die but I hope you know what I mean.
I guess, over time, for my own reasons I’ve just got used to this lived in, saggy expression of grumpiness and it has stayed with me like a curry stain on a white shirt. But, the blogs, from now, are meant to be a chat through my recovery programme which, I hope will in part entertain, and in part inform.
As I’ve said before, if my words can help one person – job done. If the words can entertain one person – job done. Although, clearly my aim is to reach out to so many, many more. But, in a gentle, friendly sort of way.
And so, the scene is set for a series of blogs that will form the ramblings of a recovering misery. I could argue that I’m a recoverers misery but, like a lot of things in life, I don’t think I can assume I am recovered. One thing happens and it’s back a few steps so I’ll be happy to be recovering.
My mind is already set on what step 2 of the series will look like. At some stage, I’m keen to form a group for people to go to when they’re not having a good day. One of those ‘it’s okay to be not okay’ days and where you want to reach out to someone. In the group I would see there are people ready and waiting to help, to stop you falling. There to catch you if you like. Now, I rarely do things simply, so perhaps the group name and the next blog will be ‘Cat Shoe’. Think about it.
Another day in the life of a recovering misery. Recovering? Oh yes, definitely recovering but done read that as recovered. Not yet.
Take care. And be ready. What size cat shoe are you?